What A Year...And It's Only April
It's 12:22am right now as I'm typing this and I just finished a load of laundry only to wash my husband's face mask for work tomorrow. This is the only alone/me time I get when both my husband and 11 month old daughter are asleep.
I'm sitting here in our dining room of our 697 sq ft 1 bedroom apartment (that is a huge mess) reiterating to myself that I need to get back to writing. The last time I wrote in my previous blog Life's Journey was in 2018, just one month after we lost our firstborn son Ezra. That was a different me, the me before being able to mother my child. Tomorrow will be Ezra's 2nd birthday in Heaven and although I feel I've been handling the grief well it seems my anxiety is telling me otherwise.
The fact that we never got the chance to bring our son home and celebrate his milestones and birthday's still is a hard pill to swallow, yet only 24 days after we celebrate his 2nd Heavenly birthday we will be celebrating our daughter's 1st birthday. After losing Ezra that desire to bring home a baby was greater than anything I ever wanted in my 28 years of life at that time, I'm now 30. We were blessed with getting pregnant 3 months after losing Ezra and happened to be the month he was due. He was born when I was 4 months pregnant due to me unknowingly having incompetent cervix and pPROM.
In the midst of all of this anxiety and grief surfacing, we're in the middle of a global pandemic, Coronavirus. Life is looking incredibly different right now. Earlier we took a drive to my sister-in-law's house to drop off birthday gifts for our twin nieces who turned 4. Only my husband got out of the car, left the gifts on the porch, rang the bell, and quickly came back into the car.
That is life right now, ding-dong ditching it so we don't spread this incredibly contagious and deadly virus.
Life is different right now not only because of this virus that has us all in federally mandated quarantine, but it's different because I am different.
I'm a 30 year old wife and mother who left her great paying job/career in October of 2018 to not only ensure a safe pregnancy, but to become a stay-at-home mother to our rainbow baby. This is after having gone to an amazing university, studied journalism, worked my way up in big companies with the intent of being a successful career woman. Being a stay-at-home mom was never in my plan, until we lost Ezra.
That magnitude of a loss changed both my husband and I, and it brought us closer to each other and to God. Everything I used to complain about before or stress over seemed like a water drop in an ocean compared to what we went through. No one can prepare you for that grief and although it feels like you'll never come out of it in that moment, you do, and you have a new perspective on life.
So here I am, 2 years later and grateful to God every single day I wake up and look over at my husband and daughter. Being a stay-at-home mom has been one of the biggest blessings and privilege in my life.
Do I miss being a financial contributor to the household? Yes.
Do I miss my coworkers? Sometimes, let's be honest you aren't always going to get along with them all.
Do I miss the challenges and sense of accomplishment? Yes.
However, none of that has compared to the challenges and rewards I've had as a mother.
So that is what I plan to write about in this new blog of mine of this new permanent chapter in my life. The joys, hardships, stresses, challenges, and all that comes with being a mom. I know the blog market is saturated with this topic, but I'm not here to bring you professional tips, tricks, or how-to's that have been thoroughly researched. That's not me and I won't pretend that it is.
I'll give you my honest to God experiences in hopes to just make one person feel seen, understood, and know that they're not alone.
I'm sitting here in our dining room of our 697 sq ft 1 bedroom apartment (that is a huge mess) reiterating to myself that I need to get back to writing. The last time I wrote in my previous blog Life's Journey was in 2018, just one month after we lost our firstborn son Ezra. That was a different me, the me before being able to mother my child. Tomorrow will be Ezra's 2nd birthday in Heaven and although I feel I've been handling the grief well it seems my anxiety is telling me otherwise.
The fact that we never got the chance to bring our son home and celebrate his milestones and birthday's still is a hard pill to swallow, yet only 24 days after we celebrate his 2nd Heavenly birthday we will be celebrating our daughter's 1st birthday. After losing Ezra that desire to bring home a baby was greater than anything I ever wanted in my 28 years of life at that time, I'm now 30. We were blessed with getting pregnant 3 months after losing Ezra and happened to be the month he was due. He was born when I was 4 months pregnant due to me unknowingly having incompetent cervix and pPROM.
In the midst of all of this anxiety and grief surfacing, we're in the middle of a global pandemic, Coronavirus. Life is looking incredibly different right now. Earlier we took a drive to my sister-in-law's house to drop off birthday gifts for our twin nieces who turned 4. Only my husband got out of the car, left the gifts on the porch, rang the bell, and quickly came back into the car.
That is life right now, ding-dong ditching it so we don't spread this incredibly contagious and deadly virus.
Life is different right now not only because of this virus that has us all in federally mandated quarantine, but it's different because I am different.
I'm a 30 year old wife and mother who left her great paying job/career in October of 2018 to not only ensure a safe pregnancy, but to become a stay-at-home mother to our rainbow baby. This is after having gone to an amazing university, studied journalism, worked my way up in big companies with the intent of being a successful career woman. Being a stay-at-home mom was never in my plan, until we lost Ezra.
That magnitude of a loss changed both my husband and I, and it brought us closer to each other and to God. Everything I used to complain about before or stress over seemed like a water drop in an ocean compared to what we went through. No one can prepare you for that grief and although it feels like you'll never come out of it in that moment, you do, and you have a new perspective on life.
So here I am, 2 years later and grateful to God every single day I wake up and look over at my husband and daughter. Being a stay-at-home mom has been one of the biggest blessings and privilege in my life.
Do I miss being a financial contributor to the household? Yes.
Do I miss my coworkers? Sometimes, let's be honest you aren't always going to get along with them all.
Do I miss the challenges and sense of accomplishment? Yes.
However, none of that has compared to the challenges and rewards I've had as a mother.
So that is what I plan to write about in this new blog of mine of this new permanent chapter in my life. The joys, hardships, stresses, challenges, and all that comes with being a mom. I know the blog market is saturated with this topic, but I'm not here to bring you professional tips, tricks, or how-to's that have been thoroughly researched. That's not me and I won't pretend that it is.
I'll give you my honest to God experiences in hopes to just make one person feel seen, understood, and know that they're not alone.
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